Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Hopelessly Clumsy

My husband skis as does my son…I on the other hand do NOT!
I tried it a few years back, wiped out 3 times on the bunny slope and that was enough for me.  The main issue was that I am afraid of heights.  A fear that seems to get worse the older I get.  I am also the furthest you can get from an adrenaline junky.  I am a proud wimp and I own it. 
And it doesn’t help matters that I am a natural born clutz.  And I am not exaggerating when I say that I literally trip over my own two feet.  It’s pretty damn pathetic.  I can barely ride a bike, so when my kid begs me to go on a bike ride, I have to pray to God that I actually survive the trip.
A couple years back, I had a stellar year in the clumsy and stupid department.  At Christmas time, I really wanted the Christmas decorations brought down from the attic above our garage.  My husband was out hunting and the impatient side of me beat out any fear I had of venturing up into the attic, which was a real dumb ass move on my part.  But I am stubborn.  So I grabbed a flashlight and ascended the ladder.  Once up there I had no idea what a mess it was and finding the decorations was going to be a challenge.  I started blindly stepping around, not realizing that the floor wasn’t all wood.  Some of it was just sheetrock.  And unbeknownst to me, you can’t step on sheetrock or you will fall through.  And that’s exactly what I did.  (I never claimed to be smart).  My leg went right through it, but somehow I managed to grab a wooden bracket and braced myself before my whole body went.  Of course I ripped a huge chuck of skin off my arm in the process.  So there I am hanging on for dear life when I suddenly remembered that I had laryngitis at the time.  My doggy is walking in the garage beneath me, hubby is out in the woods, my son was in school and I had no voice to yell for help.  It was one of those moments when I think back and ask was I really that stupid?  And sadly my answer was a big fat yes!  My only saving grace was that I was stronger than I thought and eventually was able to pull myself back up.  Once I got my bearings, I carefully exited the attic via the ladder this time.  Luckily the only injury I ended up sustaining was the wound on my arm that left me with a nice scar as a reminder.  But it could have been worse, broken neck or even death, so I’d take the scar any day.  Needless to say, I RARELY venture into the attic, only if it’s absolutely necessary I do so.  And when I walk around up there, I treat it as if it were covered in landmines.
The following summer, my stupidity and clumsiness reared its ugly head again.  My son and I used to always hit wiffle balls in the background.  But let me preface, we did this before and AFTER we put in an inground pool.   This one particular day, he was swimming in the pool and his silly mom decided to throw up some balls and take a few swings.  It seemed harmless and it always entertained him, because without trying to sound conceited I could hit them pretty well.  So as I was swinging away, I shockingly (insert sarcasm) didn’t realize where I was stepping.  And before I knew it, I stepped right into the pool.  Now obviously this wasn’t planned being that I was fully clothed with sneakers on.  As I fell in, my right foot/sneaker got caught on the coping.  My body sunk one way while my right knee went in the other direction.  In the meantime, my son was laughing his ass off as I am sure the sight of his mom falling in was just priceless.  Once I got my foot free and made it to the steps, it didn’t take long for me to know my knee wasn’t right. 
That night it swelled up and I was in serious pain.  The next morning, couldn’t bend the knee at all so off to the orthopedic doc I went.  Good to know people, my mother-in-law works for one so I was able to get squeezed in.  Thank you Mom!  I had an MRI and had to wear a leg brace.  Ended up having a partial tear of my MCL (medial collateral ligament). I am a very active person so being put on crutches and limited in activities was not fun.  Thankfully I didn’t need surgery, just a couple months of physical therapy.  Of course when everyone saw me on crutches, they all just rolled their eyes basically saying “clumsy Heather at it again.”
In the time since, I have smashed a few fingers, hit my head a couple of times, fell off my treadmill and skinned my knees.  But knock on wood, nothing catastrophic.  Knock on more wood.
So as my husband and son ski down the mountains, my butt sits in the lodge with my two feet on the ground.

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